My feet are planted in the ground

But I want my head to be in he stars at the same time. to relax to the fact that things are taken care of, what will happen will happen and things are where they are and that is how it is . maybe there is a deeper meaning for things and maybe there isnt. But fighting what will happen doesnt make sense. it will not prevent it. and yes we do our best so that the outcome is favourable to us, but we can never control the outcome , just influence it , maybe - slightly. OR do we create reality with our thoughts? or prayers? I dont know . One thing I know is that if i am supposed to loose my job or home or money etc... it will happen, and just like a tree or a fish is taken care of I will be taken care of. history has proved it.

 

What makes my heart beat and my lungs breathe will keep me alive just as t happened before, lifts me from the lowest of the lowest to a place I never thought I will be in. I sometimes think that the collective thoughts of the people around us and who think of us in addition to our own thoughts is what creates our reality, or more accurately co-create our reality along with the mystery of God ... the universe ... what beats my heart and makes my lungs breathe and my eyes see...

so if you are surrounded by racists for example , and they all lay a negative discourse on you, say you are living in the heart of the most racist town and you are the only aboriginal person , all the people around you are projecting on you . they are dressing you with a particular discourse: the looser, the drunk , the lazy one.. etc... they treat you as such , you start believing them , if you believe in something but 1000 people around you tell you that you are wrong you start doubting yourself. They are creating your reality and you are playing along if you dont stand firm with your feet planted in the ground.

so there is a big story, everyone is part of writing it, if we dont pay attention who is writing our story , it will not be written like we want , we end up living someone else's dreams not yourself, lost , miserable, weak, self resentful etc...

BUT, what is the line between self deception and standing your ground, being egotistic and refusing to change or see yourself vs allowing others to write your story.. sometimes - actually more often than not, these things mix up in my mind . Once i let it go all the way and .. I paid a very high price. so I will never allow anyone to write my story no matter what.  I wont let it happen. Whatever we think we will attract - they say. So we shouldnt focus our energy on the negative and be very aware of the dangerous consequences.

الغصة كبيرة... بس الأمل أكبر

مش راح أسمح لحدا يهدني... يكسر نفسي أو عزيمتي

My inner Cat Blog

i know .. that sounds very geeky and weird. but my inner cat has a blog! Is it weird that I have an inner cat , or that a cat has a blog? or both?

you know how cats are, they like attention.
i had to post this for her ..

:)

My Inner Cat Blog

For you to be you and for me to be me

Allow me to feel my pain
Allow me to connect with it
dont dismiss me
give me room to breathe
I need to let it all out
it is poisoning my system
the years of oppression and neglect are getting to me
I need a safe place
give me your unconditional love so that I can give you mine
feel my pain so that I can feel yours
my pain is a big part of who i am
I dont want to feel embarrassed of my pain
I am allowed to feel it !
You say : move on, move on...
how can I?
I will I know - one day maybe, when I am safe
when i am heard
Marginalized - do you know how painful that is ?
feer hurts!
Exposed...
I want to be exposed to you
with all my pain and brilliance
my genuis and depression
I dont want to be embarrased becasuse of my oppression
"it is not an issue" , you say. My life is way better that many others -
But you know, it is MINE, my pain is mine- I am the one who feels it.
My pain needs love
be gentle with my pain
my darkness needs the light of understanding
solidarity

dont dismiss me
can you accept me the way i am? with my beauty and baggage?
do you see my beauty at all?
I tell the ocean about my pain - the trees hear me

God hears me
I crave the unity of the soul , a commuinity of the heart
communion with God through you and him and her
help me drop my defences
help me get rid of my identities - I want to be whole when with you
how can i if i am not whole within myself?

help me break free from the grinding wheel - acknowledge my courage - my stuggle
embrace my schezophrania
my madness is part of me
my maddness IS me

take me as a whole
Allow me to be me so that I can seize to be me
What I feel is real even if it doesnt make sense to you
Do you know how it feels to be jailed? stripped of your freedom?
do you know how it feels to be a woman? an arab? a palestinian? an artist?
do you want to know? do you care to know?
Does anyone care to know?

why would they, depressing lamentaion ...
minority colonialism feminism
oppression stuff ... boring depressing activist blabla
why would you care ? you were born up there
on the top of the hill

but if you want to be you
i need to be me
there is no you without me
and only when you stop being you
is when I become me
and only then
is when
I stop being me
only then
you can be you
and i can be me
do you see ?
what i'm trying to say ?
yes or nay?
hey?
hello
knock knock..
anyone there
or just an empty headskin

let's both seize to be you and me,
and only be
a one amazing we

Rejection and realizing you've been rejected

I remember the first time i was rejected. I couldnt believe it. (we are talking about romantic rejection by the way) . I couldnt get over it for the longest time. I was so full of myself and couldn't comprehend, how can anyone in their right mind reject me. I thought I was unrejectable. Now I know better. I dont take personally as much as i used to. I realize people have different tastes and interests so therefore not everyone is supposed to be attracted to me. and when i dig a bit deeper , people who are not attracted to me I am not really attracted to them to start with, when i really look hard and honest inside myself , i realize that their rejection makes them look more attractive, because my focus becomes to get accepted by them instead of feeling weather there is a connection there. Now if things were this black and white , not a big problem. The real problem is when you are not sure weather you are being rejected or not, weather the person you are being involved with is just afraid or if they are really not into you. this confusion eats up a big part of the self esteem. and instead of focusing on how you feel about the person , you get sucked into speculating and interpreting this other person's signals (or the lack of signals)
recently i realized i have been rejected. i feel much better now that i am outside the speculation and guessing game. i hate mystery and guessing. so , i got rejected, good, better now than later, that means i am getting closer to my goal. i am burning down my rejection quota, anyway , someone who rejects me cannot be suitable for me . dont you think?

Emotional state

I'm feeling emotional, I know that is stupid. no, really it is stupid. nothing changed since yesterday, i only grew up one more day, i slept and woke up, received some more spam, spent a little bit more time on the PC and the TV, ate and drank...

nothing significant.

i feel rejected though. maybe because i am listening to emotional songs that are taking me back to times when i felt loved and in love. maybe because these songs are transmitting sad feelings. i wonder if i will feel happy if i listen to happy songs. am i taking on the feelings in the songs or is the song playing because it is reflecting my own feelings.

recently something happened , i met someone , and i got rejected, it didnt feel good at all. it clouded my judgment about how i feel about that person. you know what Madonna says? "rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac" do you think she is right?

The truth is that i have so much love inside me, that i need to share, to give, to express, and i keep on running into people who are afraid of love, i learned recently or not so recently that i cant express my feelings openly and freely, i cant be transparent. i never believed or followed that directive. the result, rejection or feeling rejected. having to swallow back my pride and emotional expression and crawl back in bed with old memories and fantasies of glimpses of loving moments.

Why do humans need love?? what is so special about a kiss ? about lips meeting? what happens when lips meet? how can people be so close one day and next day they are strangers. they hurt each other and say bad things about each other..

why does a song affect me so much? is it because it resonates on the deepest level with feelings i once touched and tasted? sad or happy

I dont know. i wish i knew, or maybe i dont wish, because at least i have an excuse now to be stumbling, i dont know, if i knew then i cannot justify my stumbling.

love love, they say it makes the world goes around.i love myself , but that still isnt enough, nothing is like hearing and smelling the love.

i am rambling heavily , i know. that is why God invented blogs , so that people like me ramble freely, liberally.

it will pass, the 'i need personal romantic love' fever. i think i like being in that state otherwise i can turn off the fucking music and go take a shower or a walk.. but again, no , i cant run from myself. in the shower I'll have me with me, i cant hide or run.

i tell myself this is only my domestication, it is all learned behavior. even feelings are not real, they are how we learned to react to different things.

In Star Trek there is a race called the 'Vulcans'. Vulcans were once emotional barbaric but then they decided to control themselves, they meditated and controlled their minds and emotions so that they dont get into the kind of emotional turbulence similar I am in today. they succeeded in living according to logic. But the price was high, we see in one of the episodes how Tuvac , the Vulcan became crazy eventually. In another episode it shows how when Vulcans are in sexual heat they are totally out of control.

The question is , will I even find the kind of love that i imagine and wish for? will i feel this real and deep connection with another person where there we become pure energy, where we merge but stay separate , connect on the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual, where there is no inhibitions and right and wrong, only pure transparency and childlike innocence exists, where play is the game, exploration of the soul.

bla bla bla

Subconscious mind

My subconscious has a mind of its own.
So there is the conscious , subconscious and the higher conscious .
the subconscious is the dream world, the conscious is everyday waking up awareness and the higher conscious is now another story. I wont even get into that , I would o on and on, maybe another time. Currently I am watching The Batman, very interesting, it plays a lot with the idea of mind power and subconscious, so for example, one of the episodes of the animated series, The Joker kidnaps Yen the detective - who is a friend of The Batman , He ties her up to a toy that would explode in a certain amount of time. The Batman needs to find out soon enough Where Detective Yin is kept before she is blown into pieces.
After a long exciting chase, Joker is caught, but he is refusing to speak. He has a strong will and a strong mind and wont give in to The Bat. So Batman tapes into the Joker's brain wave lengths and goes into the Joke's head, there a very interesting battle happens, the battle of the minds... Batman almost goes crazy, Joker fucks so bad with the Batman's brain, so what does our hero do?? he drags the Joker into his own mind, that is , Batman drags the Joker into Batman's head. There the Bat really fucks with Joker's mind, he totally drives him crazy and finds out where the captured detective is, he saves her life at the last second.
Yesterday I saw another episode about this enlightened man with a corrupt soul, he is after a special Gem, he has strong mind powers, the way he fights is by controlling people's minds, he controls first the butler's minds so they go and steel valuables from the homes hey work in and deliver it to him, he even hypnotizes Bruce Wane's butler , who steels from his master and even fights with the Batman. When the Mind Master meets the Bat a mind fight takes place. The mind master creates all kinds of illusions in the Batman's mind. The Batman keeps on saying to himself : " a strong mind sees only its own reality". and eventually is able to defeat the Mind Master and scare the shit out of him by the reality he created for him.
Quite profound , I think, no??

Internal conflict

Have you ever found yourself arguing with people in your head?
I do that a lot actually, I just find that sometimes people that piss me off pop up in my mind and I start arguing with them, and they talk back and aggravate you more. So you'd be sitting alone in your bedroom but yet having heated discussions with people that might be thousands of miles away or ones you havent seen in many years.
According to the 'Stress and Conflict' workshop i took, these are not conflicts. A conflict requires that the 2 sides are aware of it, both perceive the other one's gain to be their loss.
The situation I mentioned here is considered internal conflict. It is in the confinement of our heads. For me though , it feels so real. It bugs me so much, it grinds in my head. I dont like real confrontation, so I solve that by doing it in my head. but since the other person(s) are not around to participate to a resolution or a closure, my internal conflict goes nowhere. So like a windmill goes on and on. مثل ثور الساقية.
I guess the 'right' thing to do is to bring it to the surface and resolve it or get some kind of closure. Sometimes the other side refuses to accept that there is a conflict. What would you do then??
I used to fantasize finding a magical button somewhere in my body that would stop the flow of thoughts and arguments in my head. imagine that, discovering that , say for example, pressing your belly button 3 times with your right index finger and then twice with your right pinky and then pushing with your thumb would stop thoughts. people wouldnt need drugs and alcohol then. But the question would be would they want to ever reactivate their thinking? they wouldnt have thinking to tell them to reactivate their thinking.
When I think to much like this I wish i can run away from me. but then , who is the thinker and who is the one who is trying to run away, and who is the one that is watching them and writing this story? God only knows...

Eye contact

I was walking in the morning under the snow falling on my head surrounding me with bliss. So white , so pure. What is it about the 1st snow fall that makes people happy. I look at people's faces and see joy that I dont usually see. It is like looking at children. they smile back at me with excitement. (monst of them at least)
This whole thing about establishing eye contact with people and their reaction is funny, here, in the west, when i am walking down the street and my eyes meet someone's eyes , there is this awkward moment. this happens only with non- children. they either quickly move their look, look up or at the ground or just anywhere but at me. some of them say a reluctant hi, or just slightly nod, some would actually smile which is actually nice and makes me feel happy. sometimes it actually makes my day. So what is it about eye contact with strangers that is so awkward?? is this due to the recognition that we are all one??
I wonder...

CommDoors Intro.mp...